Internal Change

I spent much of my life hating myself. I believed I was unlovable, worthless, a burden, and a mistake. I believed my weight determined my worth. The more I weighed, the more worthless I became in my mind. I was suspicious of people who loved me because, really, how could they? They loved me even though I am fat, maybe out of pity or they were family so they just had to. I lived much of my life trying not to be noticed, blending in, drawing no attention to myself and living in constant fear of being ridiculed or being dismissed because of my size. 

I believed in what society and life taught me-if I were simply smaller my life would be amazing. If I lost weight, I would deserve love. I believed my defining characteristic wasn’t my creativity, kindness, or sense of humor, I thought it was that I am fat. I yo-yo dieted. I cried trying things on. I starved myself and binge ate. I looked in the mirror with absolute hate until I stopped looking in mirrors completely. I spent years faking confidence I didn’t feel in front of my kids because I never wanted them to feel the way I did about their own bodies.  The entire time I hated myself and believed I was weak for not being able to just make myself less.

I could make a long list of all the ways I have been humiliated, treated differently, and not understood or accepted because of my size. Even medically, I am treated differently. Something had to change. 

The change started within me. I began seeing a therapist for my depression and anxiety almost 3 years ago. I unpacked some traumas, worked on healing, identifying triggers and being blatantly honest about the myriad of issues I have around my body, food, and my self worth. These discussions aren’t easy and they are continuous. I am working very hard to speak to myself kindly. I spent time on learning to love myself as is. We even talk about my relationship with food and disordered eating. It’s work. I am a work in progress and I am worth the effort. 

When Lizzo came out she represented so much to me. She is unapologetically fat. She is talented, hilarious, beautiful, and she doesn’t hide or make excuses for her body.  I changed my social media feeds to show more bodies like mine. I started meditating and doing yoga. I started accepting myself as I am.  I read books on living a fat life, books containing plus-sized main characters,  and listening to the Maintenance Phase podcast. Representation matters to me. I joined spaces for fat bodies on Facebook. I saw different versions of myself reflected in words, worries, insecurity, and self-hate. I would reassure others and treat them with kindness, and finally realized I needed to do the same to myself. 

I decided I wanted to be healthier, but was that hypocritical to my new found self-acceptance? I spent my therapy hours unraveling body issues, self-acceptance, and the need to treat myself better. Also, I knew counting calories, saying no to certain foods, and labeling food (or myself) as bad for what I ate. I knew I had to break the shame cycle I loop myself into regarding food. I needed to lose my all or nothing mentality with a lifestyle change because it was not sustainable to me. 

My therapist helped re-frame my way of thinking; if I am going all-in on treating myself with love and kindness, that involves what and how I eat. If I am treating myself well, most of the time my eating will reflect that. Also something Amy says is “Do less harm.” I love that. I am eating healthier overall. I am eating regular meals with some healthier choices and incorporating fruit and veggies. I am picking snacks that have more nutrients for my body. I might lose weight doing this, but I am not intentionally trying to lose weight. I am trying to treat myself better.

I’ve been working on all of this for a long time and I am really happy with how far I have come. I am proud of myself for letting go of many patterns of negative thinking. I have worked to change my mindset and my inner dialogue. I have learned to not just accept myself, but to love myself as I am.

-Nicole Smith, Momoetry

Weekly Prompt Wednesday Challenge -Change

Thanks to Amy for helping me and always being a safe place.

Amy also takes amazing pictures.